ADA for the Day
by Wooffles
Summary: UPDATED! More ADA's giving each other swirlies, some politics, and good old-fashioned arguing. Have fun.
1. Episode 1

Disclaimer-I own nothing. That should cover it. Nothing except the computer.  
  
A/N: This is crazy crazy crazy. If you value your sanity do not come here. Also, if you are not into poking fun at the characters, go somewhere else. The only person who is relatively un-bashed is Jamie, and that's only because I can't find anything about her worth making fun of.  
  
*  
  
ADA For the Day  
  
Announcer Voice: So you want to be an ADA...for the day?  
  
Serena: Hello, and welcome to ADA for the Day. I am your host, Serena Southerlyn.  
  
Claire: I thought I was the host.  
  
Jamie: I thought I was!  
  
Serena: I'm the host.  
  
Claire: No, I am.  
  
Jamie: Me!  
  
Abbie: Anyways, welcome to ADA for the Day. We are currently in the ladies room at Hogan Place, screening contestants. One lucky lady will get to take over Serena's job for a day; she's being very generous and giving the needy a chance to be on cable TV...at least the needy for attention. They will spend one day working alongside Jack McCoy and what's-his-face, and hopefully cure all desires to go to law school.  
  
Serena: Hey, I'm the host. I was supposed to say all that.  
  
Claire: I'm the host. I was on the show first.  
  
Serena: Well, I'm on the show NOW.  
  
Claire: Jack slept with me, not you.  
  
Serena: How can you be so sure?  
  
Claire: WHAT!?  
  
Abbie: Serena, I said your lines because you were too busy fighting with Claire and Jamie...hey, where's Jamie?  
  
*Jamie is slumped in the corner, knocked out because Serena and Claire beat her up.*  
  
Claire: Oops.  
  
Abbie: Idiots.  
  
Serena: Hey! I'm very sensitive.  
  
Abbie: *gestures to stall* Step into my office, Serena.  
  
*Abbie dunks Serena's head in the toilet and flushes it.*  
  
Claire: Abbie, what was that about?  
  
Serena: *mutters darkly*  
  
Jamie: *starts to wake up* Huh? What happened? Why is Serena all wet?  
  
Abbie: She's had a little encounter with destiny.  
  
Serena: Oh, so it's my destiny to have my head flushed in a toilet.  
  
Abbie: Apparently so.  
  
Claire: Cut it out, you guys. Stop fighting.  
  
Jamie: *now more awake* you started the fighting, Claire.  
  
Claire: It was Serena.  
  
Jamie: No, you started it. Serena was the one who punched me.  
  
Abbie: Aren't we all a little old to be arguing like this?  
  
Serena: Not as old as Jack and he does it all the time.  
  
Jamie: It's called court, you idiot. This is a bathroom.  
  
Claire: Jack's not that old.  
  
Abbie: He's older than you....by a lot.  
  
Claire: Oh, shut up.  
  
Serena: Don't we have to screen the first applicant?  
  
Claire: *checks watch* Yes! Places everyone!  
  
*Claire and Jamie grab their clipboard and lean against the wall by the door. Abbie positions herself by the stalls. Serena checks her appearance in the mirror.*  
  
Jamie: Announcing...Fredrica Jones!  
  
*A lady with wild red hair partially covered by a turban enters. She has a slightly crazed look about her.*  
  
Claire: Hello and welcome to ADA for the Day. I'm Claire Kincaid.  
  
Jamie: I'm Jamie Ross.  
  
Abbie: I'm Abbie Carmichael. *long pause* Um...Serena?  
  
Serena: *stares at Jones* Are you from the Arabian Nights?  
  
Jones: I'm half Czechoslovakian and half Pakistani. I can speak Arabic.  
  
Claire: That's...nice. So what qualifications do you have for the job?  
  
Jones: I can speak Arabic.  
  
Jamie: Anything else?  
  
Jones: I make a good chili. Very spicy.  
  
Serena: What's Czechoslovakia?  
  
Jamie: European country...part of the former Soviet Union. Czechoslovakia no longer exists; it's been divided into the Czech Republic and Slovakia.  
  
Serena: Oh...then why'd she say she's from Czechoslovakia?  
  
Jones: *slightly annoyed* I didn't. I said my mother was from Pakistan and my father was Czechoslovakian. When he was born it still existed.  
  
Claire: *looks bored and checks watch* I don't care about your family history. Do you have any qualifications for the job besides speaking Arabic and making chili?  
  
Jamie: What she means is: do you have any experience practicing law?  
  
Jones: No...  
  
Claire: *very annoyed* THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON ADA FOR THE DAY?  
  
Jones: Um...what's ADA for the Day?  
  
Serena, Claire and Jamie: THIS TV SHOW!  
  
Jones: This is a TV show?  
  
Jamie: *heavy sigh* Abbie...Abbie? *Abbie is asleep in the corner.*  
  
Claire: *marches to the corner and shakes Abbie* Abbie! Wake up!  
  
Abbie: Wuh...?  
  
Claire: Do your thing.  
  
Abbie: *smiles craftily* Step into my office, Fredrica. *Takes Jones into the stall. Screams and a flushing sound are heard.*  
  
*Claire and Jamie slap each other high five.*  
  
Jones: *shrieks* You awful she-devil! All I wanted was to use the bathroom! *gives Abbie the finger* You've ruined my day. And you three and your dumb questions!  
  
Claire: Oh, I'm sorry. Your name was on the list to be interviewed.  
  
Jones: That? I thought that was a list to sign up to use the bathroom!  
  
Abbie: People sign up to use the bathroom.  
  
Serena: *smirks*  
  
*Serena and Abbie crack up and roll on the bathroom floor laughing. Fredrica Jones gives a huff and marches out.*  
  
Claire: Okay, that was funny, but get up. We have to screen the next applicant.  
  
Serena: God, Claire. You have no sense of humor.  
  
Claire: I don't believe in God.  
  
Abbie: That's nice.  
  
Jamie: Okay, our next applicant is...Meg Sparrow.  
  
*A teenage girl with a manga book in her hand wanders dreamily into the bathroom, seemingly unaware that everyone is staring at her.*  
  
Abbie: Um...hello?  
  
Sparrow: Huh...what?  
  
Claire: Are you Meg Sparrow?  
  
Sparrow: Um...yes.  
  
Claire: You want to be an ADA?  
  
Sparrow: Um...yes.  
  
Serena: How old are you?  
  
Sparrow: Um...thirteen. Do you care?  
  
Jamie: Sort of.  
  
Abbie: Well, Claire, I take it this one hasn't been to law school either.  
  
Sparrow: I go to a charter school. It's called Parker.  
  
Claire: Is it a law school?  
  
Sparrow: No.  
  
Serena: Do you have any experience practicing law?  
  
Abbie: What do you think, Serena?  
  
Serena: Well, I wasn't sure. I didn't have any law experience before I came on the show.  
  
Jamie: Me either. I was a model. They lied about my past.  
  
Abbie: Same here.  
  
Claire: Are you a model?  
  
Sparrow: No, I'm the wife of Jack Sparrow and Aragorn and Boromir and...  
  
Jamie: Wonderful. A thirteen year old bigamist.  
  
Claire: The media...  
  
Jamie: Don't talk about the media. You sound like Adam.  
  
Abbie: I miss Adam. He was sooo much better than Nora.  
  
Serena: Who's Adam?  
  
Abbie, Claire, and Jamie: *sigh*  
  
Jamie: You don't know much, do you?  
  
Sparrow: I know who Adam is!  
  
Claire: Oh, really.  
  
Sparrow: He was your boss. Along with Jack. Jack....  
  
Claire: Jack is mine, sister.  
  
Sparrow: Yes, but you're dead.  
  
*Claire turns a brilliant shade of purple*  
  
Abbie: You don't talk to Claire like that! She is our leader, and a leader for feminists everywhere and...  
  
Sparrow: But she's dead, isn't she?  
  
Jamie: Oh, Lord, save us.  
  
Claire: Don't speak that name!  
  
Serena: *fans herself...then faints*  
  
Abbie: Now look what you've done!  
  
Sparrow: What?  
  
Abbie: You made Serena faint!  
  
Jamie: And you told Claire she was dead!  
  
Claire: And you're trying to steal Jack!  
  
Jamie: And you're a thirteen year old bigamist!  
  
Abbie: You are very unsuited to the position indeed. Step into my office.  
  
*Same routine with the toilet that Jones got. Screams come from the stall*  
  
Sparrow: Hey, you flushed my glasses.  
  
Abbie: I have glasses. But I usually wear contacts, although I have been told I look sexy in glasses.  
  
Jamie: Abbie...young ears...  
  
Claire: *now bright red and fuming* You...young ears...out.... *Sparrow takes one look and runs away* Said...I was dead....tries...to steal Jack...my Jack...  
  
*Abbie tries to comfort Claire while Jamie dumps water on Serena in an effort to wake her up.*  
  
Serena: The rain in Spain stays mainly in Spain?  
  
Jamie: Sure...  
  
Abbie: It's okay, Claire. She's just a senseless kid. Jack would never fall for her...  
  
Claire: *hyperventilates* Jack...love Jack...tries to steal Jack...my precious...  
  
Jamie: Um...  
  
Abbie: She's been like this ever since she...um...passed away.  
  
Claire: My own colleagues...poke fun...still alive...Jack...  
  
Abbie: Of course you're still alive, Claire.  
  
Jamie: And Jack loves YOU.  
  
Serena: The rain in Spain stays...  
  
Abbie: Shut up Serena! We're trying to comfort Claire.  
  
Claire: *sobs on Abbie's shoulder* Nobody understands except Abbie. Nobody knows what it's like to...  
  
Jamie: Want me to bring the next contestant in?  
  
Abbie: Sure, why not?  
  
Serena: The rain in Spain...  
  
Jamie: She's grating on my nerves.  
  
Abbie: *looks from Serena to Claire* Which one?  
  
Jamie: *sighs* Anyway, our next contestant is...*perplexed look* Arthur Branch?  
  
*Branch walks in...Jamie looks confused and Serena looks shocked.*  
  
Serena: Arthur, what are you doing here?  
  
Jamie: You know this man Serena?  
  
Serena: Yes.  
  
Jamie: Is he your boyfriend?  
  
Serena: No, he's my...  
  
Abbie: *sees Branch and jumps up, jostling Claire's head* You! Who are you? What are you doing in this bathroom! It says Ladies on the door, did you know? Why are you in the ladies room? Can you not read? Or are you here to....  
  
Branch: Well I saw this here contest and I thought...  
  
Abbie: Rapist!  
  
Serena: No, Abbie, you don't understand he's the...  
  
Jamie: I'll get straight to the point: who are you?  
  
Branch: Well, my name is Arthur Branch and...  
  
Jamie: Well, we knew that much. I meant...  
  
Abbie: She meant to say: what are you doing here? What ARE you doing here?  
  
Branch: Entering the contest to be an ADA for a day.  
  
Serena: But why would you want to be an ADA when you're...  
  
Claire: *has calmed down in all the excitement* Actually, I think this was meant more for women who...  
  
Serena: Claire! Let me finish! You all interrupt me all the time and I'm sick of it!  
  
Abbie: Wow, I hear some emotion.  
  
Serena: *glares at Abbie* I was asking Arthur why he would want to be an ADA when he is already the DA.  
  
Jamie: He's the DA?  
  
Branch: That's right. I expect some respect.  
  
Serena: *giggles* Hey, that rhymes.  
  
Claire: You're right, Abbie. They did really decline after Adam left. At the time I just thought you were being overdramatic.  
  
Abbie: When am I overdramatic? You're the one who, a couple minutes ago.  
  
Serena: No fighting. We all have our overdramatic moments.  
  
Jamie: *mutters* You have overdramatic moments? Miss Expressionless?  
  
Claire: Jamie! Be polite.  
  
Serena: Just because your first marriage failed and your second one is doomed to...  
  
Abbie: Ooh, now you're asking for it. *Jamie now turns purple*  
  
Jamie: My marriage with Richard is not doomed to fail!  
  
Claire: Richard...Richard?  
  
Serena: I thought his name was Daniel.  
  
Abbie: I thought his name was David.  
  
Jamie: *blushes and hides in the bathroom stall*  
  
Claire: And she called that Swallow girl a bigamist.  
  
Abbie: Sparrow.  
  
Claire: Beg pardon?  
  
Abbie: Swallows carry coconuts. The girl's last name is Sparrow.  
  
Serena: Can't remember her own husband's name. Just a sign the marriage is doomed to failure.  
  
Abbie: Serena, you've already been flushed once today. Do I need to do it again.  
  
Serena: No...  
  
Claire: Anyways, back to the interview. *turns to Branch, who is looking quite perplexed*  
  
Branch: Now I don't know 'bout no interview...  
  
Claire: Improper grammar, write that down.  
  
Branch: Hey, I'm southern.  
  
Abbie: Really? Me too!  
  
Branch: And I thought up here was all Yankees.  
  
Serena: That's the baseball team. Joe DiMaggio played for the Yankees. He was married to Norma Jean.  
  
Claire: Her name was Marilyn.  
  
Serena: It was Norma.  
  
Claire: Marilyn!  
  
Serena: Norma!  
  
Abbie: Say, Arthur, wanna desert these two and go out for coffee?  
  
Branch: I've got a hankering for some sasparilly. *they leave*  
  
Claire: Marilyn!  
  
Serena: Norma Jean!  
  
Jamie: *comes out of stall* Shut up! You're reminding me of my ex-husband!  
  
Serena: *giggles, forgetting all about Norma or Marilyn or whatever her name is* Which one is the husband?  
  
Jamie: *huffs* Where's Abbie?  
  
Claire: She and what's-his-face went out for sasparilly.  
  
Serena: What's sasparilly?  
  
Jamie: She's cheating on Jason?  
  
Serena: Who's Jason?  
  
Jamie: Never mind, Serena.  
  
Claire: With all due respect, I think this ADA for the Day thing was an awful idea.  
  
*  
  
A/N: Well, there ya go. Me at my insane-est. Now, I should explain a few things.  
  
1. This is loosely based on a skit from The Amanda Show called The Girls' Room. I say loosely because it is not much like the Girls' Room at all, I just stole the bathroom theme and the head flushing.  
  
2. Fredrica Jones is an inside joke. Don't ask.  
  
3. Meg Sparrow is actually a friend of mine (her name has been changed) and she is not really married to all those people. She just admires them.  
  
4. For those who don't know, Marilyn Monroe was named Norma Jean at birth. She changed her name when she wanted to become a sex object because Norma is not a very sexy name. Or something.  
  
5. I wanted to have Nora in there so they could destroy her, but she is in all my other fics. If you want Nora bashing, go there. I wasn't in the mood for it tonight.  
  
Okay, that should be all. Hope you enjoyed the insanity of the day.  
  
-Wooffles 


	2. Episode 2

A/N: Wooffles is back! Found this and thought I'd add more...so happy reading, folks!

Serena: Welcome to ADA for the Day. I am your host, Serena Southerlyn!

Claire: I really thought I was the host...

Serena: Jack's current assistant gets to be the host!

Jamie: But that isn't fair, because we didn't start the show until you were Jack's assistant.

Serena: Too bad you didn't think of it sooner.

Claire: Considering Jack loved ME, not YOU, I should be the host.

Jamie: Now, Claire, you don't know that. looks around Where's Abbie?

Claire: Who the hell cares? She should learn to be on time. So, anyway, we decided to do a series sort of like American Idol...so, today we're interviewing some more contestants. Hopefully they'll be a little bit better than last time.

Serena: whining Claire, I'm supposed to say that! Well, anyway, I'm the host, and Claire, Jamie, and Abbie are the judges...if Abbie ever decides to show up...Abbie bursts through the door

Claire: annoyed You're late.

Abbie: I thought someone was following me, so I took the scenic route...to confuse him, you know?

Claire sighs

Serena: whispering Get in your places, guys, I have to let the contestants in.

Claire: I resent being called a "guy."

Jamie: Cry me a river. I need to get this over with and rescue my daughter from the evil clutches of my ex-husband.

Abbie: I'm drowning over here.

Jamie and Claire: Shut up!

Claire: under her breath Antifeminist Republican.

Abbie: I heard that, you hippie liberal bleeding heart.

Serena: Please welcome Mary Doe! a seventy year old woman wearing a bikini walks in; Claire and Abbie jump under their chairs, covering their eyes; Jamie faints So, Mary, what to you do for a living?

Mary: I'm a prostitute. Serena starts coughing

Abbie: So, um, where did you go to law school?

Mary: Everyone knows that passing the bar exam just makes you a dirty, lying, thieving ass.

Serena: Excuse me?

Mary: Why don't you all take up my business? You could make quite a bit of money with bodies like those. Lawyering is a...how can I put this...man's job.

Claire starts hyperventilating

Abbie: You have some nerve! So why do you want to do this...this man's job, if it's a...man's job...you know what? Just get out of here while you're still alive and...doing whatever it is you do.

Mary: I just wanted to spend some time with that Jack McCoy. He's supposed to be good in bed...

Claire: WHAT! Jack would never get in bed with...with an old hooker! Jack wouldn't...YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM! Even though he is pro-death penalty.

Mary: looks interestedly at Claire Are you a ghost?

Serena: Shouldn't have said that...

Claire: sobs Old hooker...tries to steal Jack...my Jack...called me dead...she said...I was a ghost...

Abbie: patting Claire's head It's alright Claire. We know you're alive and kicking and Jack loves you.

Claire: Stop petting me like a dog! I'm not a dog! I'm a LIVING HUMAN BEING! And you have no right to...to...PET ME LIKE A DOG!

Abbie: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm trying to be comforting.

Claire: howls Like I'm some kind of crazy psychopath who needs therapeutic head massages...leave me alone! You probably voted for Bush!

Abbie: Well, he IS from Texas.

Jamie: starting to come to What? Who's from Texas? to Mary You're not from Texas...you're fired...

Serena: I think that's Donald Trump's line.

Abbie: Shut up, Serena.

Claire: You tell her, Abbie. sobbing Abbie's the only one who understands!

Serena: You hated her just a minute ago.

Claire: I NEVER HATED ABBIE! I HATE YOU!

Abbie: Serena, you have to give some leeway for her...whisper she's not in her best state of mind. clears her throat Mary, Ms. Doe, step into my office. Serena and Claire snicker; Jamie looks around bewilderedly. Flushing and screaming sounds are heard from inside a toilet stall. Mary runs out crying; Abbie looks smug.

Jamie: Where am I?

Serena: You're in a bathroom. We're on TV.

Jamie: Where's Katie?

Abbie: With your ex-husband, at the moment.

Jamie: Oh my God, he's going to brainwash her! I have to go save my baby from that evil man! runs out

Claire: Don't say "god." starts hyperventilating

Serena: I don't think she meant it like that, Claire.

Abbie: Serena, don't argue with her when she's like this.

Claire: Like WHAT!?

Abbie: Well, upset.

Claire: screaming I am NOT upset!

Serena: Could have fooled me.

Claire: You little blonde idiot! drags Serena into a stall, sticks her head in the toilet, and flushes it. Serena's screams are heard throughout the building.

Abbie: Great, now that sasparilly guy is going to come in here again.

Serena: sniffling I thought you guys were buddies.

Claire: DON'T CALL ABBIE A GUY! Do you want another swirly?!

Abbie: That's my job!

Claire: We can work together.

Serena: But, as I was saying, you were friends with him.

Abbie: He now thinks I'm his best friend just because I'm the only other non-Democrat he knows. He's rehearsing his speech for the Republican National Convention.

Claire: What fun. I think he deserves a swirly for that one.

Serena: Well, that's all for now folks. Come again.

Abbie: Wait...the show can't be over!

Serena: Oh yes it can! I have the power now! I have the power of the one ring! shows off her ring with a diabolical laugh

Claire: I think that was an obscene gesture.

Abbie: Serena...step into my...

Claire: Our!

Abbie: Office.

A/N: Did anyone else see Fred Dalton Thompson at the RNC? Because someone who looked and sounded exactly like him gave a pretty cool speech. Only, they didn't say who it was (I tuned in about halfway through the speech.) so I'm not sure. Can anyone tell me if that was actually him?


End file.
